Success is nowhere to get to-it is something you get to experience in those moments between :
The trick is to set up your life such that you experience an unending string of such moments,
Successfully.
Offers: Paul @ RelationshipLiteracy.com
If we imagine that our body is a violin whose strings are the talents and capacities granted by our Source and Creator, the role of musician is played by our soul whose intent and purpose is to play that piece of music unique and special to us over the course of a lifetime.
Depression starts when we find ourselves playing someone else’s music, singing someone else’s song. It is as if our soul scratches its head and wonders, “What is wrong with this instrument? What is being played here? I want to sing my song. Why won’t this violin play right?”
Isn’t it possible to be medically, physically, and mentally depressed?
Yes, certainly. Some of us are genuinely genetically predisposed towards depression; but so many of us go so long without our self expression that our depression becomes somaticized. Over time we convert a depression into physical symptoms that, if not treated, will inevitably grow into the very structure of our bodies and make us very sick.
What do I do now?
What there is to do is stop playing someone else’s music before doing so makes you sick-and then sicker. As soon as you can, you will need to distinguish that which is special and unique to you and start to do that, whatever it is. Begin to sing your heart’s song, now.
How do I find out what is special about me?
There are three steps to uncovering who you are and putting yourself into daily practice; awareness, exploration, and lastly there is commitment.
a) Awareness: Your first clues will come from asking yourself, “What it is that would make me glad and excited to get out of bed each and every day?” Write your answers down; tell others what you see for yourself, and make a list of all the dreams you once had and then forgot. Add your new dreams and wishes, and goals. Remember that dreams live badly in silence; you are taking your first steps when you share your dreams with someone else.
b) Exploration: next, tell your thoughts to others ask them the same question and explore your dreams together. Look for the many ways you could express yourselves. If art is what interests you, ask which medium; if it is that music takes their breath away, which music, what instrument; if it is scrapbooking, where is the nearest scrapbooking store? Go on a shopping trip together, gather materials, and begin.
c) Commitment: lastly, take your first small steps and try out what you have just explored; see what fits you best; and begin to structure that into your daily living.
Hint: You don’t have to reinvent the wheel on your own. Once you have narrowed down your area or areas of self expression, find where you can learn more about it. If you can, find yourself a teacher, join a class or a support group. Ask yourself: “Who do you know who is familiar with that area that already has some experience?” Go to them and permit them to share their experience and delight with you.
A word of advice: remember that pretty much everyone falls off the bicycle the first time; be aware that it takes thousands of hours of practice to master any new skill. In addition, it will serve you better if you avoid comparing yourself with others with many more hours of experience. For example, if art appeals to you it probably won’t look like it belongs in a public gallery- but it might look great on your wall. If singing or playing a musical instrument appeals to you it almost certainly won’t sound like a professional recording-but it probably will sound just fine at home, in your shower, in your living room, and to your children. If you light up they will, too.
The bottom line: once you get going, ask yourself: “Did I enjoy doing that? Did doing that make me feel good?” If your answer is yes, you are on your way. Your only wrong answer is not to begin at all.
Can I make my living following my heart, singing my soul’s song?
It may work out that way, but not right away. It is challenging to do what you love and economically supporting yourself at the same time. It most certainly won’t happen right away; and you must be prepared that it might never happen.
However, not to do anything at all, compromising your heart song even before you start to sing it, well, you’ll never find out if you could have succeeded. Worse, you will be on the road leading to depression and soul suicide.
What there is for you to do is find some time, any time, to permit your soul take a breath, expand, spread its wings and sing the song you we born to sing. Begin with one single hour and grow yourself onward from there.
Remember that depression and self-expression are two sides of the same coin that cannot come up at the same time. The reward for self expression is more light and life; the consequence of failing to sing your soul’s song is walking down a road to darkness and depression.
As the Morgan Freeman told us in the movie Shawshank Redemptions, “Get busy living or get busy dying.”
Offers: Paul @ RelationshipLiteracy.com
Depression is far more than a malaise of the mind; it is a sickness of the soul.
If we imagine that our body is a violin whose strings are the talents and capacities granted by our Source and Creator, the role of musician is played by our soul whose intent and purpose is to play that piece of music unique and special to us over the course of a lifetime.
Each of us has our own distinct song and unique symphony to play, movement by movement, year after year, until our final finale when our curtain comes down for the last time. Depression starts when we find ourselves playing someone else’s music, singing someone else’s song.
Depression is as if our soul scratches its head and wonders, “What is wrong with this instrument? What is being played here? I want to sing my song. Why won’t this violin play right?”
If our soul goes without self expression long enough the result can look like self-destructive behavior. Alcohol and drugs numb us, confuse us, and make us forget for a little while-but we always wake up the next morning.
When a soul becomes thwarted altogether, it can look like suicide. When the depressed soul becomes so frustrated it may “toss in the towel” and depart for “greener pastures,” looking for another instrument to play-in another life.
Isn’t it possible to be medically, physically, and mentally depressed?
Yes, certainly. Some of us are genuinely genetically predisposed towards depression; but so many of us go so long without our self expression that our depression becomes somaticized. Over time we convert a depression into physical symptoms that, if not treated, will inevitably grow into the very structure of our bodies and make us very sick.
What should I do if I feel am getting depressed?
What there is for you to do is to distinguish what brings you joy and satisfaction, then find some time, any time, to permit your soul take a breath, expand, spread its wings and sing the song you we born to sing. Begin with one single hour and grow yourself onward from there.
Remember that depression and self-expression are two sides of the same coin that cannot come up at the same time. The reward for self expression is more light and life; the consequence of failing to sing your soul’s song is walking down a road to darkness and depression.
As the Morgan Freeman told us in the movie Shawshank Redemptions, “Get busy living or get busy dying.”
Offers: Paul @ RelationshipLiteracy.com
We all know that establishing a marriage is easier than disassembling one. A ritual or other ceremonial conclusion can support dissolving marriages and help them achieve a healthier conclusion.
Weddings come with substantial community participation and celebration why not Divorces as well? Dissolving a business requires great care; shouldn’t dissolving a family require even more forethought and preparation?
Establishing a marriage is comparatively straightforward: hold a wedding ritual with a bride and groom officiated by a community spokesperson, incorporate a number of public witnesses to affirm the marriage ceremony; throw in gifts, blessings and well-wishes. In the blink of an eye a marriage has come into being where none existed before. The bride and groom make their transition from two separate individuals to a family union. Together now, they have a clean slate and a shared sense of optimism for the future.
Divorces are much more complicated; they come with complex emotional, material, and personal baggage that needs to be distinguished, acknowledged, and sorted through within the process of marriage dissolution. Lawyers and trained mediators can help us handle family assets and legalities, but how do we as a community support the emotional and social well-being of a dissolving family partnership? As a community how can we support their and our transition and create new social bonds? A couple apart, can we help them achieve clean slates with each other and a shared sense of optimism for the future?
Admittedly, this is a pretty big undertaking for any single individual or community to accomplish – but the size of the undertaking does not absolve us from rising to the challenge. As a community we owe it to them and to ourselves. Part of our task will be to design and install new family and community practices intended to support marriage dissolution and empower all participants.
If we desire to speed the healing of the wounds formed in marriage dissolution; if we wish to set ourselves and our children up for future joy, this can and must be our priority.
In the next part I will propose a simple process model for Healing Divorce ceremonies.
Offers, Paul from Relationshipliteracy.com
We love our children-but they inevitably grow up on us.
The child we held in our arms and whose diapers we once changed is now an adult, or very nearly so, and this raises a number of difficult issues for all involved.
A father of a college student daughter was in great suffering. He kept asking his daughter, “What do you need?” and when she answered, “I am fine, Dad, thanks, I don’t need anything,” he became frustrated, unhappy and depressed. It turned out that he was accustomed to expressing his love for her by satisfying her wants and needs; that is how he loved his daughter growing up; so long as she needed him he knew he was a good dad, that he loved her and she loved him back. Now she was grown and off on her own. He was confronted by, How do I love my beloved daughter now that she has grown up into an adult, the adult I always hoped she would be?
The difficulty he was facing was not only his. His daughter had her own dilemma. She knew she loved her father but she wasn't sure what her relationship to her father and mother should be now that she was out on her own. How was she to include him in her new adult life?
Another couple had a grown son who had successfully left home but had returned to live with them out of economic necessity. His parents had unhesitatingly and lovingly welcomed him back into their lives-but their new household of adults was in an uproar. Communication was breaking down and love was swiftly evaporating in the mounting heat of anger and frustration.
There were a number of thorny issues for this family. On one hand, there were parents rebuilding their lives and enjoying new freedoms. On the other, there was an adult male child who had already escaped his parents? loving care and concern who is in the uncomfortable position of having to compromise his hard-won freedoms and independence. He had returned home to find that his parents were treating him in much the same way as they had before he left. What he once endured as loving parental care and guidance-now felt like unwelcome parental domination. Ouch!
The six challenges: How do we love our children once they have fledged and left our nests? How do we love them once they are much too big to pick up? How should we relate to them when they come to visit? What are our new roles and expectations? How do we move from being a family of cute, cuddly dependent children-to become a community of adults and children united in mutual love? In an age of “boomerang” adult children who return home out of economic necessity, how do we live with one another?
The three tasks: These are three tasks to midwife a new family of adults. Please remember that this may take some time to achieve and to install. Rome wasn't built in a single day. Please plan enough time for this.
First phase: Awareness of the new family Past.
Second phase: Inquiry into your new family Present.
It is a fact that all families will achieve balance and a new equilibrium over time. Sometimes it can take a long time until the new family community is in place. Even when things go well and speedily, the process will include considerable uneasiness as the old family model is retired. Expect some healthy nostalgia as the new family model starts up. Lastly, do not be surprised if your new model requires a bit of tweaking and remodeling as new adults and children enter the family.
With a little forethought, listening, and communication we can shorten the family rebirthing process to generate an extraordinary loving future for a new grown-up family of adults.
